Trying too hard
by Mrs. Furb
Summary: Dean and his problems. He's not sleaping, only worrying about those around him. And when he thinks about himself, he can't think of anything good. And then a certan fallen angel gets back into his life. This goes AU after season 8. I don't want to try and write around sesaon nine. There will be Destiel. For now: Dean/OC, Dean/castiel
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is my first fic ever, and I'm really happy you chose to read it. There will be more chapters, I was just so anxious to get this out, so I couldn't back down. **

Dean had problems. There was his sick brother, still choughing up blood, sleaping most of the day and trying not to throw up everything he'd eaten when he was awake. There was the pissed off king of hell in the dugeon, Dean thought of that as the least of his problems. He had the pissed prophet that was drinking too much these days. Charlie had showed up just when they came home from having seen the angels fall. She'd decided it was safest to stay with them. Dean was glad she did, because of all the problems he had, Charlie was not one of them, having her there was actually helping. And then there was the problem of the missing angel. Dean had asked Kevin if he knew anything about what had happened, but he said he was totally in the dark. They didn't know if Castiel was alive or dead, they didn't know if he'd fallen or if he was the one making the angels fall. Dean felt so ashamed of the way he'd talked to the angel the last time he saw him. He ment everything he said at the time he said it, but after he'd cooled down, he regretted it all. Especially after he went missing.

Dean had been awake for so longer he'd lost count, he didn't bother, though. He couldn't let himself sleap, what if something happend to Sam while he was asleep? Sam would allways be number one on Dean's list of worries.

«God, Dean, you look awfull. Go get some sleep, or at least get some stress relief, go jerk off or something.» Charlie was worried. Dean hadn't slept in God knows how long, and the dark sircles around his eyes grew darker every day. «I'll keep an eye on Sam, he's sleeping now, anyways. And our prophet is asleap. I'll just ignore Crowley.» She was the sanest person in the bunker beside Dean, after all. Or, beside Dean when he'd slept more than three hours in the last week. Right now she probably was the sanest, and that worried her. She practically dragged him up from the chair and pushed him out to the hallway. «I'll holler if something happens and I need your assistance»

Dean dragged his feet down the hallway to his room and plopped down on his bed. He only left the kichen area to please Charlie, he knew he wouldn't get some sleep. It was like he'd developed insomnia. While trying, really trying to get some shuteye, Charlies words came back to him like an echo. «..or at least get some stress relief, go jerk off or something.»

Oh, well. It was worth a try. He needed something to fantazise about, though. He wrecked his brain trying to find one that wasn't a nightmare. And there it was.

...

When Dean and Sam was in High school, John would sometimes enrol them in some random High school in some random town while he left to hunt something. Dean had probably attended 100 high schools. It came to the point where he'd started to not give a fuck and just went there to keep an eye on Sammy and check out some girls while he was at it. He knew his dad would be back in a few weeks anyway. Then there was this time when he was a senior. Sam was a freshman and was allways biching about how he wanted to stay in this random small town (where was it? Dean couldn't remember, maybe it was in one of the southern states) 'till graduation, so he could have some «continuity» in his «education». The kid wanted to go to college. Dean knew he would end up a hunter anyways, and who needed algebra for that? But the reason Dean remembered this high school was this one person.

They'd stayed in this small town for one week more than Dean usually liked. He'd allready pissed off most of the girls in school for making out with three of them in different broom closet's in different resesses around the school. He couldn't wait for dad to show up and get them out of here. Then one day as Dean was trying relly hard to not pay attention in English class, he saw him.

As usual, Dean hadn't bothered getting to know anyone. He knew the names of some, knew the faces and mouths and boobs on many of the girls, but other than that, he was mostly alone. This guy across the class room seemed to not pay attention either. Dean was taken aback by how pretty this boy was. His brown eyes looking everywhere but at the teacer while his hands doodled absent mindedly in his note book. The blond hair was constantly getting in his eyes, so he flipped his hed so as to get it out of the way. It seemed like he didn't even notice that he did it. Dean realized he was staring when the boy's eyes locked with his. Dean swallowed. _Busted. _He hurried to pretend he was _really_ interested in what the teacher was talking about.

After class was finnished, the boy came up to Dean, hand outstretched. «Hi, I'm Martin» He said. «you can't keep your eyes open in english either?» Dean's words got caught in his throat as he tried to figure out what to say. His brain was going a mile a minute trying to fint an excuse as to why he was so transfixed on this guy's – Martin's – eyes. «Hi.» Dean started, clearing his throat «Dean» He stretched out his hand as well.

Martin and Dean ended up walking together to their next class. Talking to Martin turned out to be a nice change from all the girl's giggeling that Dean had to listen to for the last few weeks in order to get in their pants. Dean never had any guy friends apart from his father and brother, and ocationally Bobby. Talking to one that wasn't either was nice. There was things to find out about each other, and they hadn't heard all of the other's stories. Not that Dean could tell Martin all of his stories, but it was nice to hear about his stories and laugh at his jokes.

After suffering through a whole hour of algebra, Dean and Martin had lunch together. Martin said he didn't usually sit with anyone at lunch. Dean tried asking why, but Martin kept changing the topic. Dean told him about how he hadn't really stayed long enough anywhere to get any friends, so he could relate to being alone. Martin just looked at him with a small smile.

Another week passed by without John turning up. Dean was actually getting a little worried, and thinking about calling Bobby, but like Sam, Dean had started not wanting to leave this little town. Dean hung out with Martin at lunch every day, and they walked to classes together whenever they were going in the same general direction. Sometimes Dean would walk with Martin even though his class were in the direct opposite direction as well, he just liked the company. And the way Martin flipped his hair when it blocked his view, usually when he got exited. Not that Dean thought about him in any other way than as a friend...no sir. The brothers felt like they had started to get a new kind of life, and Dean briefly started to think that sticking around so Sammy could get the continuity in his education that he so desperatly wanted, wouldn't be half bad. He'd just started to regret pissing off all the girls in school, and simulatiously trying not to look too deep into those brown eyes for too long while Martin was talking, when Martin told Dean the reason he used to sit alone at lunch.

Martin was gay. The year before he'd had a boyfriend from another school. Some jock found a picture of him in a book that he'd knocked out of Martin's hands. The rest, as they say, was history. This being in the southern states, Martin hadn't gotten the best reaction to coming out. Luckily his parents were understanding and acsepting, but the kids in school wasn't.

Dean was. He decided right when Martin said it, that he was okay with it. This was the only friend he'd had in years, he wasn't going to throw that away just because the guy liked guys.

Martin's boyfriend had broken up with him after the catastrophe that was Martin coming out. He decided he didn't want to himself, and broke up before anyone at his school heared about it. So before Martin had decided to befriend the new kid that seemed so alone and lost, he hadn't had a friend for about a year. Dean felt bad for the guy. Secretly he started hoping that his dad wouldn't come back, and that Bobby would let them stay untill Sam had finnished High school. The only thing that made Dean keep it a secret, was the part where his dad had to die for him not to return and take them out again.

After Dean was told about Martin's orientation, he started realizing that the other kids in school were staring at them and wispering behind their back. It seemed that everyone thought that they were a couple. Dean was horrified at first. Martin asked if he wanted to have a biiig «break up» in the hallway and then just don't hang out anymore, but Dean didn't want to do that. This was his only friend, after all. And after thinking it over for a while, within that same day, he decided that it was okay. He was even thinking of ways to make people really uncomfortable, to get back at them for whispering in the first place.

Martin thought it was a brilliant idea when Dean said that since everyone thought they were a couple, they should just give them something to wisper about, the only thing he didn't like about the idea, was that he knew that Dean was leaving as soon as his dad came back. Dean said that they just had to make it so that everyone thought that Dean turned out to be the douchbag that all the girls allready knew he was, they'd make a big scene and Dean would scream something along the lines of «You knew this was temporary...» and Martin would break down and cry as Dean walked out of the school and into his father's Impala. And then Martin would act heartbroken for a while, and maybe some of the girls would make him their sassy gay friend. This made Martin laugh so hard he cried.

The weird part was how Dean didn't even feel selfcouncious about playing the role as Martin's boyfriend. He actually liked the idea of walking down the halls hand in hand with him, acting all flirty and making sexual inuendos, kissing him outside at the end of the day...oh wait...that wasn't in their plan, was it?

It was now four weeks since John had left them, and Dean was starting to worry for real. He intended to call Bobby allmost every day, but there was allways something that made him not do it. He could see how Sammy blossomed. Having friends was good for him as well, it seemed. And there was no lack of money yet, so Dean figured that John was a grownup and didn't need some teenager to worry about him. And playing Martin's boyfriend was actually more fun than he had originally thought. They held hands and sat beside each other in clas, and in lunch they still sat alone, but now they had someone to make fun of – everyone else. It really was ridiculus. The wispers were louder than before, and to Dean's delight, it seemed that some wasn't as cruel as before. He had overheard a few girls talking about how _cute_ they were, and Martin heard a guy he didn't see defend them to his friends one day in the men's room. Maybe all the school needed was another gay guy to show that guy love was as normal as anything else.

On the fourth Friday after John left, Martin called and asked if he could come over. Dean got extremly self counsious, they lived in a motel room, for crying out loud. Martin hadn't been over for real, he knew where it was and wich room it was, but he hadn't been inside.

«my parents are throwing a party tonight, and I don't like being home when they do, one of their friends allways stumbles into my room, half drunk trying to find the bathroom...» Martin explained.

«uh, ok...» Dean was unsure «well, this place isn't really fancy, just so you know. But Sammy is at a friend's house tonight, so why not. We'll get a pizza and see if there's anything on TV»

They agreed and Dean decided that the room needed some cleaning, or at least som decluttering.

The night was nice, Martin had even managed to sneak a few beers from his parent's fridge, so they ate pizza and got a little buzzed together while they watched TV. Martin seemed to have a good time, and that made Dean happy. «hey, you've had a lot of girlfriends, right?» Martin was splayed out on Dean's bed, while Dean sat on the couch, drinking his third beer. «yeah, I guess» Dean took a sip and tried to remember how many. He couldn't. «I were just thinking...» Martin hiccuped «I only had the one boyfriend, and that was a long distance-thing. I only kissed him like...three times or something, you're probably a master of the art.» Dean felt bad for the guy. Being gay in high school had to be hard. Limited choises, for one. «man, that sucks. But he turned out to be a dickhead, right?» Dean looked into those brown eyes of his friend. «yeah, I wouldn't have dumped him after something like that...» Martin looked a little defeated.

They watched some stupid game show in silence for a little while. When Dean came back from the bathroom a little later, Martin had moved to the couch, swaying a bit where he sat upright. Dean plopped down beside him, being close to Martin was no big deal, they held hands most of the day at school anyways. That's why when Martin's hand landed on Dean's thigh, Dean didn't even think about it, but leaned towards his side, like he used to whenever Martin touched him at school. «I got to admit,» Martin started, but didn't keep on talking. «What?» Dean turned his head to him, just to crash his face with Martin's. Martin didn't move back, just stayed right there, his face just a few centimetres away from Dean's. «you have the greenest eyes I've ever seen» Martin said as if he hadn't seen Dean's eyes before. Dean smiled, he didn't move away either. Suddenly, Martin's lips came crashing to Dean's. Dean responded at first, leaning into the kiss. Then his brain caught up and he pulled away.

Martin got up and moved towards the door without looking at Dean. «where are you going?» Dean asked. «You're going to tell me to leave, and I'm going to do it, before you can» Martin's shoulders slumped and Dean could hear the defeat in his vioce. «wait...» Dean didn't actually know what he was going to say, he only knew that he didn't want Martin to leave. «Please turn around...» Dean hoped his friend would. Martin turned around slowly, eyes to the floor. His face was read and Dean could see the tears that was about to start falling. «look at me? Please?» Martin looked up at Dean hesitantly, an unspoken question in his eyes. Dean got up from the couch and moved towards his friend. «why did you do that?» Dean asked, but hurried to speak more when he saw Martin starting to turn away again. «I mean, did you actually want to, or are you just drunk?» Martin sighed and met Dean's eyes. «I wanted to,» He said «but I guess it was a mistake.»

«no, it wasn't. It's just...I'm usually the one taking charge» Dean said.

«so...you're okay?» Dean saw hope in Martin's eyes

«hell yeah.»

They simultaniously took a step forward and ended up just a foot apart. Dean notised how Martin was just a little bit higher than himself, he hadn't before. Martin seemed to hold back, so Dean reached up behind his neck and pulled him down to him. Martin responded right away, pulling Dean closer and trying to take charge. Dean wouldn't have it, the kiss got deeper as they battled for dominance. Dean lost. He let Martin roam his mouth with his thounge as a moan escaped his throat. He hadn't felt like this while kissing anyone. All the girls he'd been with had let him take charge at once and let him do whatever. Martin was more demanding and Dean liked it.

When they both had to come up for air and broke the kiss, they rested their forheads to eachother. «now what?» Martin whispered, looking afraid of what Dean would say. Dean just chukled, «I guess we start doing that moderatly at school?» He tried to joke it away, but Martin looked a little hurt, so he had to keep talking. «well, unless you want to keep doing it right now?» Martin hugged him even tighter and kissed him again. This time Dean was the one roaming Martin's mouth with his thounge. The kiss deepened and got sloppier as Dean backed a bit, aiming for the couch. When the back of his legs hit it, he pulled Martin with him down onto it. Martin laughed as he broke the kiss to look down at Dean under him. «what?» Dean notised how Martin was a bit heavier than the girls that Dean had had on top of him, but he didn't mind. Martin just laughed again «and here I thought you were the straightest of the straight.»

«so did I» Dean mumbled. That made Martin laugh more and kiss him again.

Dean hadn't thought he would want to stop kissing Martin, but in the end, they had to break apart because of the simple reason that Dean found that Martin was getting a bit heavy. So they sat up. Martin started to lean in for more kissing, but Dean remembered something. «wait...you know that this isn't going to last, right? My dad will show up eventually and take us with him again...» Dean looked down at his hands. Martin forced Dean to look at him by tilting his head up using his index finger under Dean's chin. «yeah, I know» he said «but this way it'll look more believable when you leave and I have to break down...» he trailed off. The prospect of breaking Martin's heart was hard for Dean to swallow, he'd broken so many hearts in the past, so why was it sutch a big deal this time? «Okay. As long as you know.» He still felt bad. «I won't be any better, just so you know...»

Martin silenced him with a kiss. All of their worries semed to melt away as they gave themselves up to the kiss and each other. Dean had just started to move his hands up Martin's shirt when the door to the motel room smached open. They were startled and broka apart, just to see Sam's wide eyes and his beused frown. «I didn't think I'd walk into more than the two of you drinking or sleaping or something, I guess I was wrong.» Sam looked like he could barely keep his laughter at bay. «do you guys need some more privacy?»

Dean looked back at his brother, and sighed. «yeah, we kinda do...but you live here as well, so I guess we'll go out?» The last part was aimed at Martin.

«no...I was just coming home to ask if it was okay for me to sleap over at Andy's house» Sam looked like he knew what the answer would be.

«well,» Dean started. «If I were dad, I would say 'who is Andy, and are you shure his parents aren't vampires?' but you know what? I'm not dad, and you can take care of yourself. Plus not everyone are monsters.»

Sam looked confused «so...I can go?»

«yeah, just...you know. Be back before dinner or something, and...have a nice time»

Sam wooped and went to get his toothbrush and some clothes, while Dean sat back down beside Martin. «Not everyone are monsters?» Martin raised an eyebrow. Wow, Dean loved when people could do that. He scratched the back of his neck. «yeah, that's just...what we say, dad keep saying that people are dangerous and we shouldn't trust them and stuff...»

«and Sam can take care of himself?»

«yeah, he's good with people...» Dean trailed off, knowing he'd said a bit too much in front of Martin.

When Sam came out from the bathroom, both the older guys were laughing. He said good bye with a grin and hurried out. Dean watched him go and frowned. Martin laughed again «where were we?» his eyebrow raised up again and Dean couldn't help himself, and had to dive in for another kiss.

The couch soon bacame a bit too small for them, and they moved over to Dean's bed where they could lie face to face, instead of on top of eachother. Martin held his arms around Dean, and Dean placed his hand on Martin's hip. They laughed for awhile about how the fourth arm never fits anywhere, and then their mouths were on each other again.

Dean started to feel like his pants were getting a bit small in the front as his dick grew harder, but he didn't want to push things with Martin. The guy had only kissed one other person in his entire life, for crying out loud. For sutch an inexperienced kisser, he was surprisingly good at it, Dean thought. Then Martin started to grind against Dean's erection and Dean could feel that Martin was sporting quite an impressive hard on himself. Dean broke away from the kiss to look at him. Martin groaned at the loss of Dean's mouth. «hey!» Dean started, trying to say this the right way «I don't want to rush this» he really didn't, but Martin surprised him «I don't either, but your dad could be back tomorrow, and I just really want to feel you...I hope you do to?» the last thing came out as a question. And Oh, how bad Dean wanted that. And he knew that what he said was true, but he still wanted to take it slow. But Martin wanted it, and Dean wanted it, and it didn't take long before they were both undressend, without Dean really knowing who had done the undressing. Their kisses grew needyer untill Dean couldn't take it anymore, and wrapped his hand around them both and started stroaking. Martin held on for bare life and his moans got louder and louder as his orgasm came closer. The noises that came out of his mouth, and the nonsence he was whispering in Dean's ear inbetween moans, urged Dean on, and he could feel his own approaching as well. They came (Martin a few secounds before Dean), screaming eachothers name, and collapsed in a heap of sweat and limbs, Dean couldn't help but smile to himself.

They got a few more days together. A few days of kissing, groping and the occational handjobs, before John was back. Luckily, he came back during the day, when they were both in school. Dean saw the Impala parked outside, and knew he was expected to leave with John and Sam after class, and probably never come back. He nudged Martin's side, pointed out the window at the Impala and whispered that his dad was back. He saw Martin's face fall as the realisation of Dean leaving him dawned on him. They started writing notes to eachother like crazy, planning the big «breakup» in the hallway.

It started as an argument in the mensroom, a small one, that grew louder when they emerged into the hallway. The words that were said, were all rehearsed and agreed upon (sort of) earlier, and with a last «you knew this wouldn't last, and I'm really tired of you anyway!» Dean stormed out of school and into his father's car with Sam on his tail. He was hoping Martin wouldn't be sad for too long, and that he would actually get some friends now. That was the plan from the start anyway. John started the car and sped off out of town.

...

Dean stayed on his bed, he was done jerking off to the memory of his first time with a guy a few minutes ago. He didn't know what had become of Martin. He had somtimes thought of trying to find him and check if he was okay, but seeing as he didn't even remember the name of the town, let alone Martin's last name, it was really hard. He'd flinced a bit sometimes over how chic flick-y he'd been back then. It had been a while since he'd jerked off to the memory, though. Martin hadn't been the last guy he'd been with, but it had been a while now. He didn't think even Sammy knew about Dean being bisexual, and if he knew, he never said anything about it. It wasn't something Dean felt like showcasing, but he didn't exceactly hide it, either. Girls were just so much easyer to pick up in bars along the road. And Dean didn't have «gaydar» to save his life, so the few times he'd gone home with a guy, he'd been the one that had been picked up. He threw his arm over his face and fell into an uneasy sleep, not even bothering to clean himself up.

**So there it is, I promise there won't be any more flachbacks. I just needed an excuse for Dean being bisexual...That's the only problem I have about Destiel...**


	2. Chapter 2

When Dean woke up, someone, probably Charlie had removed his shoes and covered him in a blanket. He sat up and flinched a bit at the mess and stickyness in his pants. He got into the shower to clean himself up before finding out what time it was, and if something had happened while he was out. He was astounded at the fact that he'd actually fallen asleap. He felt refreshed and alert, and that hadn't been the case since the awfull night the angels fell, and his brother allmost died trying to cure Crowley and close the gates of hell. Allso, Dean was hungry.

While in the shower, Dean thought of the problem that he let everyone believe was the last on his list of worries: The missing angel. Where was he? What had happended? Was it Castiel that had made the angels fall? Was he still an angel? Were there any more angels at all? Dean leaned to the walls of the shower. He missed the angel. Even if he wasn't an angel anymore, he was still a member of team free will. Still family. Dean had been so angry, there was no way he could forgive himself for the things he said. He wasn't even shure that if Cas was still alive, he'd come see them. That was the thing that worried Dean the most about Cas. If he was still alive, fallen or otherwise, would he come back to them? Would he come back to Dean?

He found Charlie in the kitchen. She was making something that smelled awesome. Dean looked over her shoulder to see she was making scrambled eggs. It smelled like the best batch of scrambled eggs Dean had ever smelled. «Hey,» she said as he sat down. «I heard the shower in your room and decided to make you some food. You don't have to be the one looking after everyone, you know. Someone need to look after you as well.» She put the plate in front of Dean and leaned against the counter. Dean ate while asking Charlie if anything happened while he was asleep.

He'd slept for twelve hours, Charlie told him. It was now noon the day after he'd gone to sleep. Dean was flabbergasted. He hadn't slept that long for at least ten years. «you chould have woken me up» He mumbeled. Charlie shot him a stern look that told him she didn't want to take any of his shit. «Well. Kevin has been asleap for elleven hours and counting, Sam was up a little six hour ago, he managed to keep some white bread down and he's now sleaping again. Crowley I havent heard a single sound from, so I've been ignoring him, like we all agreed.» Sam had been able to keep some food down! Dean would have jumped up and down of joy if he hadn't been so manly. Charlie didn't say anything about Cas. Dean hadn't expected her to, he hadn't come back, and that was status quo. «how 'bout you?» Dean asked between bites. «I managed to get three hours sleap on the couch in the middle of reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I'm trying to figure out what makes that the weakest of the series. I think it's all the moping and angst...» she trailed off. So it hadn't been the most eventfull twelve hours. Dean was glad.

Dean knew they'd have to start hunting again, or at least try to figure out what had happened to the angels, but he couldn't for the life of him bring himself to leave the bunker to do anything. Charlie was doing all the grocery shopping, while Dean mostly sat at Sam's bedside. It would seem that Sam was getting a little better every day. He was still chouging up blood, but he was able to keep more and more food down, and that was real progress. It was now three weeks since the angels fell, and they still hadn't heard from Cas. Dean suspected Charlie of knowing that there was more on his mind, but if she did, she didn't show it. Sometimes Dean would catch her in the library reading big, dusty books, but as soon as Dean walked in, she would smack the book close with a big thud and put it back on the shelf. Dean would go over to see what book she was reading, but it would always be something heavy, but generic.

Six weeks went by before Dean set foot outside the bunker after the angels fell. There was a ghost that was killing way too many people in the very town the bunker was next to. Dean couldn't have it. So he went to hunt it. Sam had wanted to come with him, but as he was still dizzy from standing upright for more than fivwe minutes, and still looked too pail and thin, Dean wouldn't have it. So he hunted the ghost, had to drive a town over to find the grave to salt and burn it. The spirit had been angry, very angry. But so was Dean. As he watched the corpse in the grave burn and crumble, Dean for the first time in weeks felt a little bit normal. As a hunter's life goes, anyways.

While he was shoveling dirt back in the grave and patting it as well as he could to make it look as much as possible like before, he let himself think about Cas. As much as Dean wanted it not to be true, he was starting to think that the angel was dead. Where else would he go? Dean kicked himself every day for all the angry words he had said. They haunted him whenever he got some sleep. Dean was all but ready to go look for him, to say the throught.

On his way back to the bunker, Dean realized how much he had missed driving. The Impala had missed him to, Dean could feel it. As much as everyone teased him about it, Dean knew that his baby was more than just a car. Not only because he had rebuilt her som many times that he knew her every crack and fixed dents, but allso because the car had been the only constant in his and Sam's lives. When they were kids, they would be in the car for days at a time, whenever John was too busy to find them a motel room. And when he got them one, Dean would always hate it, and wish they were back in the car. He wondered if Sam felt the same way about the Impala deep down. He had been so angry with Bobby when he said they sould scrap her while Dean was in the hospital in a coma that time. At the time, both Dean and Bobby had thought that it was some kind of projection, that the Impala was Dean, and if they gave up on the car, they would give up on Dean as well. But Dean knew that Sam had more feelings about it than that. He was still glad they hadn't scraped her. That would have been like giving up on him as well. Dean knew.

The bunker was quiet when he got back. But for the first time since the angels fell, Dean didn't really mind. His mind was at rest. Sam was out of the woods, he wasn't going to die. When they realized that, the bunker became more livelier right away. Even Kevin seemed to come more out of his shell every passing day. Charlie had gotten a bit antsy and had taken to scanning the entire library and catalogizing it digitally. She had promised that it was only to have a bacup if the worst would happen, like a fire or that they had to leave forever. Dean shuddered at the thought. This was the first real home he'd had since Lisa's, but even that hadn't felt quite _right_ for some reason, so Dean thought of the bunker as his first home since Lawrens. Sometimes Bobby's would be a home, but never for more than a weekend or so at a time.

After checking on the three others, and seeing that they all was fast asleap, Dean sat down in the kitchen to have something to eat. He found a pie that Charlie obviously was saving for him in the fridge. In the middle of the night, when the bunker was quiet had been his favourite time there since moving in. When there was no cases, no stress and no noise. And now, since Sam was out of the woods, quiet was better than it had been in the last six weeks.

As he ate his pie and trying not to think too much, just enjoy the taste, there was a knock on the door. Dean looked up startled. Noone that wasn't in the bunker knew that the bunker was inhabited. So who was knockin gon the door? Dean got up from his seat, gave the half eaten pie a longing look, got his gun out and cocked it before walking over to the door. There was another knock and this time more insisting. Dean hid the gun from the sight of whoever was on the other side and opened the door just a crack.


	3. Chapter 3

The face he saw outside looked like it had in purgatory. All beardy, grimy and tired looking. Castiel looked hesitantly up at Dean. Dean lowered his gun, put it back to it's spot in inbetween his lower back and the waistband of his pants and lunged forward to drag Cas into the room and give him a big, crushing hug. Castiel looked starteled, but accepted the hug like a parched man accepts a glas of water. «You're alive!» was all Dean could think to say when he finally broke the hug.

«yes.» Cas looked down at his feet «I didn't know if you wanted me at first, but I didn't know where else to go...» He trailed off. «I'm sorry» Dean mumbeled. «are you hungry, there's more pie in the fridge...» Cas nodded and followed Dean into the kitchen. In the bright light of the kitchen, Cas looked, if possible, even more like he'd looked in purgatory; his trenchcoat ripped, the beard long and scruffy looking. And his eyes, those bluest of blue eyes, they looked so tired and dead Dean thought he might cry.

«I was on my way to buy you beer and pie when he came» Cas started between bites of pie. «Metatron tricked me. He said the trials I did would close the gates of heaven, but instead they were ingredients to a spell that would expell all the angels from heaven» Cas looked defeated. «the last piece was my grace» he mumbled to his pie. «wait» Dean started «one: your grace? He took it?» Cas looked even more defeated at that. «and two: You were going to buy me beer and pie?» The confusion on Dean's face made Cas smile. It lit up the room, and Dean was glad to see that some of Cas was still there, not only this defeated shell. «I was trying to make you happy. You were so angry.» Cas' smile faded while he was looking at Dean. Dean saw it and it made his heart break a little more. «I did mean those things, but only when I said them» Dean tried to explain «I was stressed out and tired and scared» he looked away and felt awkward as hell.

They finnished their pies in silence. It was the comfortable kind of silence, though, like they both felt at rest.

«I'll show you your room» Dean said when he saw Cas looked more exhausted than ever and his eyes starting to fall shut. «you probably need a shower as well» He continued as they got up.

«Sleap would be appreachiated, yes» Cas shuffled after Dean down the hallway. «OK, so this is my room, that's Sam's and across here is Carlie and Kevin, you could take this one, on the other side of mine» Dean pointed and explained. Cas gave Dean a tired smile and opened the door to his room. «wait. You probably don't have any more clothes, do you?» Dean stopped him. Cas looked up with a defeated expression. «I'll get you some. Get in the shower and I'll find something for you to sleap in, and a change of clothes for tomorrow.» Dean smiled and ushered Cas inside. He could hear Cas getting in the shower on the other side of the wall while he collected the clothes.

Dean wandered into Cas' room to leave the clothes. When he was about to turn around to go to his own bed, Cas came out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his hips and his hair soaking wet. «here's your clothes» Dean said as he felt his throat go a bit dry. «Thank you, Dean» Cas answered. As Dean left, Castiel whispered «for all of it» He felt so thankfull for Dean's forgiveness. He didn't diserve it, he knew, but he was thankful, and hoped he could be of help to these people he thought of as his family, now that he was no longer an angel. Thruth be told, he had thought of Sam and Dean as his family long before his grace was ripped out. Now he allso had Charlie and Kevin, he didn't diserve them either. He looked at the clothes Dean had brought. There was a T-shirt and sweats that Cas assumed was for sleaping, a pair of boxer briefs, a pair of jeans, a grey T-shirt and a plaid button-down. All clothes that Cas recognised as Dean's. He walked over and smelled the clothes. They smelled like Dean, and clean. After putting the sleaping clothes on, he laid on the bed and tried to will his brain to shut down. It wasn't that he hadn't slept in the last six weeks, but it hadn't been this comfortable, and not in a clean bed that smelled faintly of – what? Winchester, he decided as he drifted off to sleap.

Dean woke up from a small sound in his room. His hand clenched around the knife he out of habit kept under his pillow, but relaxed when he saw Castiel in the corner of his eye. He turned around and looked up at him. «what is it, Cas?» Dean asked

«I just woke up and needed to see if it was real.» Cas looked embaressed.

«It's real allright» Dean smiled tiredly.

«I can see that» Cas smiled «I just don't see how I've disserved this, your forgiveness and the soft bed and the pie...» he trailed off.

Dean rolled his eyes a little. «noone ever believe they disserve forgiveness, Cas»

«noone?» Cas' eyes got wide «Everyone deserves forgiveness»

«I didn't think angels thought that, what with God being all judgemental and stuff» Dean rubbed his eyes. This was way too deep a conversation to have at four in the morning.

«well...not all angels feel this way, but I do...» Cas' eyes filled with tears

«what is it?» Dean was afraid of tears, any tears. It made his eyes go dry and he'd want to cry himself. He had used so much time building this facade of machoness to allow himself to cry.

«I shouldn't speak for the angels. I'm not one anymore» Cas' shoulders slumped and he looked utterly defeated «God is gone and doesn't care anymore, so what do I know about what he thinks»

«Cas, go back to sleap, we can talk about it tomorrow» Dean sincerely hoped not.

«I can't sleap anymore. I'll go check on the others, see if they are real as well» Cas turned to go.

«wait. You can't go looking at people when they're asleap, it's creepy, and you'll just wake them up.» Dean didn't want Cas to go. «They are real, this is all real. Why can't you sleap anymore?»

«I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time since the fall.»

«why the hell not?» Dean's eyes widened. He didn't sleap for long stretches at a time himself, dut only three hours at a time for allmost two months was not enough.

«it was never comfortable, and now it's too confortable, and I haven't deseved it.»

«Again with the not deserving good stuff» Dean sighed «how about this: You've saved mine and Sam's lives so many times I've lost count, you should be entitled to a little forgiveness»

«and there is those horrible pictures that wake me up...»

«you're having nightmares?» Dean finally realized why Cas couldn't sleap

«Those are nightmares?» Cas suddenly realized.

«you probably have a lot to learn about being human, Cas. We'll talk about it tomorrow. But now I got to sleap more» Dean laid down again and shut his eyes. «you should too»

«Can I stay?» Cas whispered

«whatever you want, Cas» Dean mumbeled.

When Dean woke up in the morning, Castiel was fast asleap in the chair in his room. He looked cold, so Dean slung a blanket over him. He padded into the shower while rubbing his eyes.

In the shower, Dean heared Cas wake up and walk around a little. He figured the fallen angel had left to get dressed...no, Dean decided, he had to think about Cas either as an angel, or as a human, he'd ask him later on what he wanted to be. Noone wanted to be fallen. At least Dean didn't.

It kinda bothered Dean how little it bothered him that Cas had slept in his room, he'd probably watched Dean as he slept as well. Maybe he trusted Cas more than he'd realized.

Well out of the shower, Dean slung a towel around his hips and walked barefooted back into his room to get some chlothes. Cas was fast asleap on Dean's bed with the blanket over him. Still in Dean's sweats and T-shirt. While dressing, Dean shruged and decided to let him stay there.

He walked into Cas' room and gathered up the chlothes he'd given him last night to place them beside Cas on the bed. When he turned around to go out the door, he realized something. The bed hadn't been slept in, he thought, but the chair was in the middle of the room. «What the hell?» Dean muttered to himself as he placed the chlothes beside the sleaping angel. Yes, Dean thought, Cas would be an angel in his mind forever. But he would call him human if he wanted to.

«hello» Cas hesitantly walked into the kitchen where the others were eating breakfast. «CAS!» Sam exclamed, surprise in his voice. «It's so good to have you back, man» he gave him a hug that would have crushed his bones if he hadn't been so weak. Charlie and Kevin looked at Cas with astounded eyes. «Is that Dean's chlothes?» Charlie asked «yes.» Cas looked at Dean, silently asking why he hadn't told the others he was back. «I just wanted everyone to be as surprised as I was,» Dean shruged with a sheepish grin on his face «are you hungry?» Dean patted the chair next to him to tell Cas to sit down.

While they ate, Dean told everyone about how the hunt had gone, and how Cas had come back. Sam, Charlie and Kevin started asking Cas questions about what had happened and why he hadn't come back earlier, but Cas' answers were elusive and vague, like he didn't want to talk about it, Dean thought.

In the days and nights that followed, the gang had to teach Cas a lot about being a human. Like the fact that eating irregularly would make you snappy and a bit angry at everyone and everything. Cas had a tendensy to forget to eat, and he was allways ununderstanding at why he felt the acke in his stomack. Sam was getting in the habit of making some food to gring to wherever Cas was every four hours or so, just to keep the bunker peacefull. A hungry Cas and a tired Kevin proved to be one of the more explosive combinations the gang had ever encountered.

Another thing Cas was struggling with, was sleaping. He would go for about 18 or 20 hours without sleaping, and then not understand what the dryness in his eyes was. It was like taking care of a large toddler. A really stubborn toddler.

Cas felt bereaved. His «mojo» was gone, probably forever, and he was still in denial about it. He would try to look into Dean's dreams, but only ended up waking him every time. Dean was getting quite tired of finding Cas asleap in his room allmost every morning.

«Cas!» Dean shook him maybe a little too hard to get him to wake up. The drowsy, blue eyes that met his when he woke up, however made him soften a bit. «what is it, Dean?» Cas rubbed his eyes «why are you waking me up?» Dean shook his head and sat back down on his bed.

«you sleap in that chair more than you sleap in your own bed» Dean said with a tired voice.

«I feel safe here» Cas looked at his bare feet sticking out from under the blanket, he'd tucked them under himself when he sat down earlier. They were all prickly now. «and I figured you didn't mind, since you leave this blanket in the chair» Cas motioned to the blanket.

«I just know you'll be right there, sleaping like a comatose child when I wake up, and I don't want you to be cold.» Dean answered, but motioned to Cas that he wasn't finnished when he started to open his mouth. «And now you're going to tell me why you sleap in that chair rather than in your bed, wich is just as safe.» He felt like he was talking to the stubborn toddler again.

Cas looked like he started to say something, but cut himself off again a few times before he decided what to say. «It's not that I don't feel safe in my own room...» He finally started. Dean motioned to him to continue. «I just don't have nightmares when I sleap in your's.» he continued, but stopped Dean before he could answer «I'm the one that's supposed to protect you. Not the other way around, and I can't do that asleap in my own room.»

Dean's mouth fell open. «You know that you'r not an angel any more, right?» Cas nodded and hung his head «and that is ok, you've protected me and Sam for so long, let us protect and take care of you now, ok?» Dean got up to pace back and forth on the floor «And the bunker is perfectly safe anyways. Noone can get in without someone opening from the inside, unless they have the key, which is under my pillow» Dean lifted his pillow to reveal a key and a gun.

«you sleap on that?» Cas asked «why would you need a gun if the bunker is perfectly safe?» this made Dean furrow his brows. «old habits die hard. You should know that, mr.I-don't-need-to-eat» Dean looked Cas challenging straight in his eyes.

«If you want me to, I'll leave» Cas mumbled, and started to get out of the chair. His legs wouldn't carry him, as they had been in the same possition for too long. Dean had to reach out his arm to keep him from falling. «Oh, for heaven's sake!» Dean knew he'd regrett this in the morning, but right now, he was just so tired, and it was always so hard to fall asleap again after waking up with Cas in the room. «just get over here». Cas looked confused and hesitantly stepped closer to Dean. «What do you want me to do?» he asked when he couldn't figure out what Dean wanted. «You can't sleap sitting up forever, OK?» Dean flushed slightly and patted the mattres beside himself. «Oh.» Cas said before laying beside Dean on the bed.

It was uncomfortable at first. Dean clearly didn't want to be too close to Cas. Cas on his side, didn't want to make Dean uncomfortable and was trying his best to stay on his side of the bed. In the end, they fell asleap together, a little awkwardly on their sides, back against back.

When Castiel woke up, he didn't know where he was at first. That had happened a lot before he found his way back to the bunker. He would wake up after a nightmare of falling with his brothers and sisters, and Dean not letting him back in the bunker. He would be totally confused as to why he was on a park bench or huddled against a wall in an alley. This morning, however, he woke up content, comfortable on a soft matress that had molded perfectly to his body. There was a nice, heavy warmth across his chest. While sorting out his head, he realized where he was and turned his head. Dean was sleaping on his front and the warmth across Castiel's front was his arm. Realizing that Dean probably didn't want to wake up like this, Castiel carefully untangled himself from Dean's arm and sneaked back to his own room.

Dean woke up a little confused as to why Cas wasn't asleap in the chair like most mornings. He had a distinct feeling that he'd woken up in the middle of the night to find him there. He rolled over and realized the other side of the bed was warm. As the memory of the night's events unfolded in his mind, he wondered where Cas had gone to. He tried to surpress the fact that this was the best night's sleep he'd had since living with Lisa. But Cas? His friend?

Dean was no stranger to feelings he couldn't sort out right away. He didn't talk about his feelings because they made him uncomfortable. This whole macho act he'd put on over the years was a mask he'd become an expert at putting on, it had allmost become part of his personality for real. He let it slip when Sam was hurt or when he was really drunk. Or really tired, it seemed. But sleaping beside his best friend? That was most definently screwed up.

Castiel was confused. It had been a week since the sleeping thing and Dean hadn't mentioned it with one word. Not that he had expected him to, he had just hoped that he would say something about how he'd slept. Because it was the best night's sleap Castiel had had since he became human. Maybe it was wrong to leave before Dean woke up. He hoped he hadn't hurt Dean's feelings in some way. He had stopped sleaping in the shair in Dean's room as well, it had seemed like Dean didn't like waking up with him there. But why did he seem so grumpy these days? He had tried to fall asleap in his own room since quiting sleaping in Dean's, but it took him much longer to fall asleap when he was worrying. So he had taken up wandering the halls of the bunker. He even some times stood outside the dungeon, hearing Crowley breathing. In the beginning, the king of hell had screamed at the top of his lungs all day long to get attention. Now he was silent most of the time. But Castiel found listening to the chains ratteling and the demon breathing or cursing under his breath oddly comforting.

One night, about two weeks after the incident, Dean woke up in the middle of the night feeling warm and protected. He couldn't put his finger on why until he turned and saw Cas asleap in the chair again. He smiled to himself. He hadn't realized he actually liked having him there until he wasn't there anymore. When he thought about the night they had slept, actually slept together; he hated that «sleaping together» ment more than actually sleaping side by side, he was filled with conflicting emotions that he was trying hard to surpress. He had decided it would be best for everyone living in the bunker if he and Cas didn't destroy the fragile dynamic of their friendship. What was theese feelings anyway? A crush? No, that made him feel like a fourteen year-old girl with pigtails. Love? No, too big of a word. Affection? No, he felt that towards everyone in the bunker, to some degree even Crowley. Friendship? No, more than that. It was all verry confusing. Dean's heart had been slowly breaking when Cas had seemed so lost these two weeks. Dean hadn't known how to fix it. It seemed to Dean that whatever he did, he would make someone miserable. If he tried to tell Cas about whatever these feelings was, Cas would most certanly not feel whatever it was back. Dean couldn't take rejection, not now when everything finally was starting to feel not so shitty. If Cas did feel it back, however, it would mean they'd have to find out what it was, and that would make everyone feel really awkward. He looked at his angel, the one who had rescued him from hell, so wounerable now, asleep like baby, without a blanket or anything. Dean got up and found the blanket. He spread it out over Cas and tucked it around his bare feet. As he turned around, he heard Cas sigh his name in his sleap. Dean turned back and threw everything out the window.

«hey, Cas, wouldn't you be more comfortable in a bed?» He asked and shook Cas a little. Cas' head jolted up, suddenly wide awake.

Dean was on his back, playing some stupid game on his phone when Castiel woke up. This time, it was Castiel that didn't remember how he ended up beside Dean. «Good moring, sleapyhead» Dean said without looking up from his game. «Good morning,» Castiel said. «Sleap well?» Dean still didn't look up. «Yes, it was very plesant.» Castiel didn't look at Dean either. If Dean wouldn't look at Castiel, Castiel wouldn't look at him. Not focusing too much on his game, Dean looked at Cas from the corner of his eye. Cas was looking at his lap, twisting the sheet in his hands.

They were on edge for the rest of the day. Dean felt like everyone in the bunker could read his mind. He tried not to think about what everyone would say or do if they could. Sam would probably get all sappy and try to get him to _talk_ to Cas about it. Like that would help. Dean didn't know what _it_ was himself, so how would he talk to anyone about it.

Charlie would tell him it was sweet. She would say something about how it would be nice to have some action in the bunker herself, but sadly, there was noone in the bunker that was her _type. _Charlie would be more understanding at how Dean didn't want to talk about it, though. Dean could swear sometimes he had more in common with Charlie than with Sam.

Kevin would say something about making shure to make the best out of a bad situation. And when you find a good thing, you should hold on to it like your life depended on it.

The one dean was most afraid of knowing the reaction from, was Cas. He had tried to think about it, but gotten so worked up about it, he'd had to go shoot something in the basement. It wasn't that he couldn't see all three points. Talking to Cas would have been the easyest solution. And if he hadn't been so confused as to what it was that he was feeling, he would have considered talking to Cas about it. If he was certan Cas wouldn't turn him down.

So he was on edge. And he couldn't look Cas in the eye. If he had, though, he would have seen the same confution mirrored back to him.

Castiel was dealing with so many conflicting feelings. Those two nights he had spent sleaping in Dean's bed, had been the easyest since he bacame human. He hadn't had a single nightmare, not even those small ones he had sometimes when he slept in the chair in Dean's room. Before he made his way back to the bunker, he had slept wherever he could, allways having trouble falling asleap. He had been mugged a few times in the night. Not that he'd had anything the muggers could possibly want, but they had tried anyway, and chased him off from the sppace he'd been so careless to fall asleap in.

He had allso realized he liked looking at women. All the soft lines and wiggly parts had him all hot and bothered on more than one occation. He had tried talking to some women on his way, but hadn't been able to get many sencible syllables out. They had mostly looked at him like he was less than iteligent. Dean was all angles and hard surfaces, but Castiel had been hit by it the moment he saw him again that night when he got back. Dean looked so good. Castiel hadn't realized how perfect this man was before. Maybe it was a human thing, he mused. But now, after two perfect night's sleap, waking up one morning with Dean's arm threwn over himself, Castiel never wanted to sleap in a bed alone ever again. The chair was better, he thought, he could be there to make sure Dean was okay, and still get some sleap. He got to look at Dean sleaping for a little while befor he drifted off himself and Dean's room didn't feel lonely. Cas' room felt lonely. It was nice, but lonely.

But now Dean was avoiding him. Castiel was more than hurt and confused. He was a little angry as well. Last night Dean had all but carried him to sleap beside him, and then in the morning, he had looked panicked and hid behind his phone untill Castiel had gotten up and left to shower. He decided to try and sleap in his own room tonight. He couldn't keep doing this forever.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean jolted awake. It was the middle of the night. He looked around his room as if to see what had woken him. There was noting. Nothing that could have woken him like that. He rolled over to his other side and cursed, it would take him forever to fall back asleap. That's when he realized. Cas wasn't in his chair. Again. He hadn't been for the last couple of nights, actually. He sighed and rolled to his back. He stared at the ceeling while trying to fall back to sleap.

It had all started to get better. Things had sucked less these last two weeks. Dean had his family back together. He, Sam, Cas, Charlie and Kevin: they were family. Sam had gotten better, he still couldn't hold a gun on a straight arm to shoot anything, but he was walking without falling over, he wasn't coughting up blood anymore, and he kept most of his food down. Dean wasn't nearly as worried about him as he had been. Kevin had started to drink more coffee and less vodka, wich was a clear improvement. He had allso started to smile now and again, that was allso an improvement. The kid was actually pretty funny when he wasn't scared out of his mind or drunk. Crowley was still Crowley, but just having him there in the bacement was good enough for now. And Cas was back. Dean had felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders when he saw him thru the crack in the door.

But Dean's feelings were so confused he didn't know wether to laugh or cry. On one hand, he was happy that his family was together and less dysfunctional. On the other hand, his whole being semed to react differently everytime he saw Cas. Earlyer today, his body had become aroused and he'd have to excuse himself to go jerk off like a teenager, when Cas had run his hands thru his hair in frustration over how his reasearch didn't go where it should; closer to an answer. His hair had stood out in all directions like he'd just woken up...or just had sex.

The other day, Dean dropped the coffee mug he'd been holding, when Cas walked in to the kitchen. He'd had on the clothes Dean had given him to sleep in on the first night, and he looked sleepy like a little kid. Dean didn't even know anymore. And another time, he'd gotten so angry he had colsed one of the more fragile books a bit to violently. The pages had gone flying, and they'd had to pick them all up really carefully and put them back into the right order. And Dean had to go punch a wall. It was a bit too much for him, really.

After trying to fall back asleap for about half an hour, Dean decided it was probably best to get up and do something until he felt sleapy again. He got up, put on his robe and shuffeled out. The library was dark, except for one little lamp that someone had forgotten to turn off. Probably Dean himself, as he remembered being the last one to go to bed that night. He sat down with one of Charlie's books, that she'd left on the coffee table in the corner. Dean had never been much of a reader, if you didn't count research...or porn magazine. And he didn't. The book was some kind of sience fiction with some postapocolypse thrown in. It was a bit over Dean's head. But he acomplished what he set out to do. So much so that he fell asleap on the couch with the book on his chest.

And that's where they all found him the next morning. Sam decided they should let him sleap, he'd seemed so exhausted and out of it lately. «He allways tries to carry everything on his shoulders» Sam said as he ushered everyone out of the library. Charlie was muttering under her breath about how one could fall asleap reading that book. Castiel smiled at Kevin, who was sober this morning. Breakfast without Dean would actually feel good right about now. Dean had seemed a bit put off lately, Castiel agreed with Sam as they all ate together. «what do you think it is now?» He asked Sam. Sam allways seemed to be tuned in to his brother's thoughts even when Dean was trying to hide them.

«I don't know, Cas» Sam started between mouthfulls of crambeled eggs and bread «It all seemed to go so well after you showed up, he relaxed and smiled more, but now it's like he's trying really hard to seem normal to all of us» Castiel felt a little jolt in his stomack at that. It had started to get better after he showed up. He felt at home in the bunker with these people. He had started to think of them as family. His real family had all fallen down and were probably really pissed at him, so he hadn't really been out of the bunker for more than a small trip to the grocery shop since he came. It was like they all had an unsaid agreement that they were family, but none of them would say it out loud.

When the morning dragged out and noon rolled around without Dean waking, Castiel decided to try and wake him up himself.

Dean looked so peaceful. When he was asleap, his features smoothed out and he didn't seem so worried as when he was awake. Castiel sat down in one of the chairs and asked Dean if he was awake. No reaction. He got up and crouched down by Dean's head. «Dean?» He tried to make his woice as soft as possible «You have slept way to long...and you're going to miss lunch if you don't wake up soon» That did the trick. Dean's eyes shot open and he sat up. «what time is it?» He seemed mortified that he'd slept this long. «a little over noon» Castiel answered and got back up. «noon?!» Dean could hear himself sounding as if he'd slept for a day. «yes. And I'm making lunch in fifteen minutes, so you should probably hit the shower» Cas walked out of the library. Dean followed him with his eyes, his stomack did a weird flopping thing that Dean vaguely recognized as the reaction he used to get in highschool when he saw someone really pretty. Before Martin it had been girls, and after, it had been girls and boys alike. He hurried to the shower.

«Sam?»

«yeah?» Sam lookeed up from his book at Cas. He looked a bit embarressed, this would either be good, or really, really awkward.

«Does Dean...no, nevermind» Cas looked down at his book again, blushing slightly

«wait, Cas, what is it?» Sam was concerned. He knew something was going on with his brother and Cas, and he was tired of them making it awkward whenever they were in the same room as eachother.

«It's just...» Cas was looking at his twisting hands on the table «does he like guys?»

Sam suddenly understood. At least a little. «Well...» He started. This was looking like it was going to be a bit weird, he thought. «There was this guy on one of the highschools we attended. And I've seen him talking to guys in bars...» Sam thought of the times Dean didn't want to say where he'd spent the night. He allways bragged about his conquests, but on some occations, he looked content and ever a bit smug, but didn't talk about it. Cas looked like he mulled the answer over a bit.

«I don't think he likes me...» Sam could see the blush getting deeper.

«You should ask him...» Sam didn't know what to say, really. He knew Dean didn't _not_ like Cas, but Sam was very confused as to what Dean was actually feeling. And he never wanted to talk about it.


	5. Chapter 5

When Dean woke up the seventh night in a row to find the chair in his room empty, he couldn't take it anymore. He got up and padded out into the hallway and in the door to his left. Cas was sleaping. He looked like a little ball, all curled up on his side. Dean sat down in the chair in Cas' room. All the bedrooms in the bunker was really similar, until they'd started to custimise. Dean had his weapons on his walls, a picture of his family (before the fire) on his bedstand, and other small things that made the room _his. _Sam had bookcase upon bookcase of reading material about just anything supernatural. Charlie had her computer and her own set of literature, though her's was a bit more sience fiction and fantasy and less reachearch on monsters, than Sam's. The last time Dean had been in Kevin's room, the wall had looked like one big scrapbook, but everything was research for the tablets. Cas hadn't coustimised much yet. Dean had a suspicion it was because he didn't know what to do with it.

Dean started to drowse off in the chair before he realized what he was doing, and got up and back to his own room, where he fell asleap feeling a little empty.

Castiel woke up with the distinct feeling that he'd missed something. He got up and in the shower. As he was showering, a picture of Dean sleaping floated before his eyes. Watching Dean sleap was one of the things Castiel had enjoyed already as an angel. No, Castiel didn't want to think about being an angel. He had made his peace with the fact that he wouldn't get his grace back. He focused on the thought of Dean. In his mind, Dean was in the shower with him. He was the one soaping Castiel's shoulders, he was making sure all the shampoo was gone from his hair. In Castiel's mind, Dean had his arms around Castiel's waist while his erection rubbed against Castiel's back. Castiel let out a moan and wrapped his hand around his own. The person that came up with the term «raging hardon» had been right, Castiel thought, as his own seemed so angry, verry hard and begging for attention. As he stroaked himself, the picture of Dean on his knees in front of him made him moan Dean's name. As soon as he realized that the walls weren't sound proof, he had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop himself from moaning something that would get him busted. When he came, he slumped down in the shower. He wanted to beat himself up for wanting his friend. Dean would probably throw him out if he knew. Sam had all but said that Dean wasn't into guys. But Castiel couldn't for the life of him understand why Dean had let him sleap in his bed two times now.

At breakfast, everything seemed normal. They were eating together, chatting and laughing, everyone in a good mood. Castiel reflected over the fact that this had been the most sorry bunch of individuals only a few months earlier. He himself had been tricked into doing some horrible things, and then he had walked for weeks alone, trying to decide wether he should go back to the bunker or not. Most of the things he had experienced in those weeks was not in favour of humanity. Sam had been so ill while trying to go thru with the trials, he'd been trying to hide it all from his brother. Said brother, was now a changed man. Dean had started smiling more. It seemed to Castiel like he'd said one big fuck you to everything that was weighing on him and just started to realize that he deserved some happiness. And then there was Kevin and Charlie. They both seemed happier and more well adjusted than when Castiel had met them the first time. And here they were, even discussing something other than a hunt. Come to think of it, they hadn't really been hunting much the last few weeks. It was probably time they started again, Cas thought with an inner sigh.

Castiel's thoughts sircled in on Dean. Castiel smiled. Dean was stuffing his face with food and talking to Kevin about something with a lot of cultural references that Castiel didn't understand. He was tying to learn these references, but it was so damned many of them, and most of the time, they went straight over Castiel's head. Castiel observed Dean with wonder. He semed so much happier than the man Castiel had med after raising him from hell. He stood straighter, laughed more and his smiles were not that few and far between any more. Then suddenly, Dean's eyes med Castiel's and he felt like time slowed down a bit while he looked into those green eyes of his. Dean gave Castiel a nod, wich jumpstarted time again, as he turned to his brother.

Sam really was better. At first, after the failed trial, he'd been so sick he didn't realize there was other people around at all, there was just shaddows. Then, Sam could single out Dean's voice. Sam had held on to that voice like it was the only thing that mattered, the voice had been telling him that he was going to be okay. Then the rest of Dean stood out from the shaddows. After that, more and more had registrered in Sam's head. Charlie was there. She seemed so concerned, and not just about Sam, even though there was that as well. Sam couldn't think of something Charlie would have to worry about that wasn't right here, but when he'd gotten well enough to think about asking her, the worry in her eyes had, if not vanished entirely, at least not been so apparent as before. Then Sam realized Kevin was in the bunker as well. When he'd asked Dean how long he'd been there, Dean said he'd been there the entire time, a worried look on his face. That scared Sam a little, had he been that out of it as to not registrer the drunken prophet? Kevin had a hard look in his eyes, not as hard as Dean's had been, but on his way there. That scared Sam a little. He'd managed to talk to Kevin some and try to make him smile more and drink less. It was, to some degree, helping. When Sam realized that Cas wasn't there, he'd gotten really worried. Where was he? Was he alive at all? Dean had said to not worry about him, he'd find his way back to them if he was alive. And if he didn't, they'd all go out to look for him when Sam was better. Not long after that, Dean had gone out on a hunt for the first time since the angels fell. Sam had told him to go, he could manage a few days without him. Charlie was there after all. And when he came home, apparently so did Cas. Sam had been allmost scared of how broken Cas had looked. And he'd been sad to hear Metatron had cut out his grace. Cas was struggeling with being human, Sam could see that. But there was something else as well. Cas and Dean was walking on egg shells around eachother, Sam thought. And the other day Cas had asked him if Dean liked guys. Sam didn't really know, to be honest, even if he had a hunch that he did. He wasn't really surprised Cas had asked the question. It seemed only natural that Cas would be drawn to Dean now that he was human. They had been close before the falling thing, and now Cas would have new feelings and urges.

The rest of the day, they were trying to recerach ways to get the angels to un-fall, but there wasn't much to go on. Kevin was still translating the tablet, but there wasn't much there either. Cas was cursing Metatron in his mind for taking his grace and making his brain so easily distracted. He couldn't help but find Charlie's sience fiction book more interesting than the big, old, dusty books on magic and angels and stuff. He missed his grace, ofcourse, but he'd slowly started to like being human. There was new and exciting stuff to explore. His body was one, it did so many interesting things all on it's own, like his stomack would growl when he was hungry and hadn't noticed. And sometimes in the middle of the night, he would wake up with his cock throbing hard and he'd had to find out how to fix it. It had been pleasurable, he'd wasnted to ask one of the others about it, but it seemed like one of the things that the others wouldn't like talking about, so he'd researched it on his own. It wasn't muvh the internet couldn't help him with... His thoughts and feelings was another interesting facet of being human. His mind, that had been really focused before, had started to take detours whenever he tried to focus on something he found boring. Bored was new. As an angel he'd watched humanity for centuries without getting this feeling, but now, as a human, he got bored if there was nothing to do after about fifteen minutes.

That evening, Cas was curled up on a chouch with an other of Charlie's books when Dean sat down beside him. Cas looked up at Dean and smiled. The smile went right to Dean's heart and he swallowed to steady himself. «hey, Cas, I was wondering...» He trailed off, trying to find a way to ask this without sounding like a lovesick teenage girl. «what is it, Dean?» Cas answered. Dean sighed when he realized he wouldn't be able to ask what he wanted to. He was sure Cas would leave if he did, and he couldn't take that. «no, it was nothing» he shruged.

Charlie was silently watching her friends' dance. Oh God! She wanted them to just get it over with, fuck it out, and spare the bunker the air of unresolved sexual tention between the two of them. You could seriously cut it with a knife and it was giving her a headace. She didn't know if Sam and Kevin felt it as well, but she sure as hell did. She needed some air. Maybe a drink in a bar somewhere and a girl to chat up would clear her mind. She told Kevin where she was going, just so someone knew, and went out. The night air would clear her mind. She was fuming over the two lovesick puppies that was just trying too hard to hide from eachother.

Charlie came home to the bunker at about three. She'd had a nice evening, shooting some pool and actually winning some. She'd chatted up a girl and gone home with her. Not a bad evening at all, to be honest. She didn't like sleaping in unfamiliar beds, so she'd waited until the girl was asleap before wrighting her a note and leaving. She wasn't really planning on seeing her again, but she didn't want to be a jerk. As she was walking down the hall to her room, she saw Dean sneaking out if his own room and into Cas' room. «Hah...» she tought to herself «maybe they've worked it out...»

In the morning it was abundantly clear that they hadn't. Then what had Dean been doing in Cas' room in the middle of the night? Charlie was just a bit confused and wondered wether it had been a dream. But she was sure it wasn't.

«You have to talk to him eventually, you know» Charlie and Dean was shooting a few rounds in the range in the basement. «What are you talking about?» Dean tensed. «Right there, that's what I'm talking about» Charlie was fuming just a little bit after having slept badly after a night out. «Sometimes even the manliest man have to admit his feelings, you know.» Dean relaxed his muscles, maybe talking to Charlie when she'd been out the night before and gotten some tail wasn't such a bad idea?

«well, I'm just sure he don't want me to talk to him...» Dean trailed off, but covered it up by shooting a few rounds at the target in the far end of the range. He missed every one. How embarresing. «Really?» Charlie rolled her eyes. «you know you could scoop up the tention between you two with a spoon and drink it like an energy drink, right?»

«well, I don't want to talk about it.» And that was final. Dean left the shooting range to do something else. Anything.

When Cas sneaked in to Dean's room that night, he found Dean's bed empty. «that's weird, I was sure he went to bed...» He turned around to go see if Dean was in the library or something. And met him in the doorway.

Cas froze to the spot. He was busted. Not that he hadn't been before, just not like this. Dean leaned up against the wall beside his door. «Hey.» He said. That sounded lame, but for the life of him, he couldn't come up with anything better. «Hi, Dean,» Cas answered and swallowed hard. «Dean, do you...» Castiel could feel his cheeks getting hotter. «like me?» Oh, father, that sounded stupid, Castiel thought to himself. «ofcourse I like you, Cas.» Dean said, trying to figure out what to say next. «you're my best friend, you know that.» Oh, Dean didn't _like_ him, like him. «Thank you,» Castiel said. «good night». He left.

As Dean saw Cas leave to go to his own room, he cursed himself. When Cas closed the door behind him, he banged his head against it. Why couldn't he just say it? Wait. Did Cas just say...? Dean hurried after him.

Castiel had just gotten down and under the covers when Dean barged into the room. Castiel looked confused up at him. «Dean, what...» Dean chrouhed down to get his head leveled with Cas'. He took a chaky breath and kissed his best friend.


End file.
